Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
