It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
