i just sent this text using only my big toe
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
