You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
