hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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