What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
