The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
