gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
