I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
