So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
