So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
