I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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