I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
