I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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