I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize