Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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