I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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