Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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