Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am one with the molecules
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
