I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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