i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
