New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
