My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
