She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize