my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
