Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
