Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
