I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize