Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
