Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
