cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
