And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize