Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
