Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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