we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
