Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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