so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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