The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
