Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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