I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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