theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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