my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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