Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
