You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
