I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
