I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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