You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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