im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
