Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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