Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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