sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
