My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
