im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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