I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
