i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize