we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
