its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
