but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
