chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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