He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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