It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
